The Big Question

There is one question worth asking. It is the really big question, the one that matters. Much to my surprise, the question is not:

Do I understand what happened ? Or why? It is not: Am I good enough? Is my husband good enough? Are my kids good enough?

Have I done enough? Is life fair? Am I right? Am I wrong? Oh sure, a few of those questions possibly have a place or time when they are worth asking. But the are not THEE question. I have been known to occasionally drop into the deep hole called “life is meaningless.” When I ask if life is meaningful I start to dig. I jab the shovel into the ground and jump on it, then with a heave and a ho I fling out as meaningless my healing work for others, my husband, my children, my new home, new friends, precious finds at the thrift store, my art past and present, nourishing mine and other peoples bodies. In fact, I even label as bad judgement the willingness of this incredible precious Earth for letting me and other humans live on her and the Creator’s judgement for setting up this whole crazy mess. Speaking of mess, I find this hole getting bigger and bigger and then it starts to rain from my eyes making oh such a muddy mess.

Whew, turns out, I had the wrong question. Some questions really do not have any good answers. Nothing to do but scramble out of the hole, look at the muddy mess, look at the pile of discarded life. All I really need to know is, Do I love it? I flop myself on top of the whole pile, fling my arms out to embrace it, dig my fingers deep into the rich composted life that went before. And every cell in my body says, yes. Yes, a wholehearted yes. Not a yes if.... Nor a yes when.... Not a “I used to” nor a “one day I will.” Just plain YES. Only it isn’t a plain yes. It is a rumbling ecstatic yes. All of a sudden the spring in the air registers in my whole body. The branches look stunning against the cloudy sky. The crinkle in the eyes behind a mask, indicating a smile from a stranger, warms my heart. I get tears in my eyes just feeling grateful to the dentist and assistant for taking such good care of my teeth. People showing up to work to take care of our electricity, fantastic. Yes starts to grow and bloom in the dry corners of my heart. No picking and choosing. It is a “no matter what” kind of thing; till death do us part. Cedar Moss 3-17-2021